When you wake up first thing in the morning with chewing gum in your pubic hair, there’s really no need to wonder what kind of a day it’s going to be. Yeah, I had that kind of a day.
I woke up this morning, and reached to turn off the alarm. As I rolled over, I felt a tugging at my crotch. I glanced down, too sleepy to be startled, and saw that the blanket was stuck to my boxer shorts. This was disturbing. Even more disturbing was the fact that when I pulled the blanket away, I saw that there was a tremendous amount of what appeared to be either chewing gum or plastic explosive smashed between my boxers and the blanket.
I turned off the alarm. I should have just gone back to sleep. I mean, even as sluggish as I was, I realized that this was a pretty clear indicator of a sucky day. Instead, I went in to pee and change my underwear.
At this point, you’re probably wondering just what the hell I was doing with that gum to get it smashed all up between my crotch and the blanket. See, sometimes, late at night, I want something sweet. Cake, pie, ice cream, whatever. I try not to eat those kinds of things, what with me already being all overweight and all. So what I do is, I’ll chew a piece of gum. Usually, I spit it into a piece of tissue before I fall asleep, but I have been known to wake up with the gum still in my mouth. I occasionally worry that I’ll one day wake up with gum all in my hair, but it isn’t a major concern—at worst, I figure I’ll just have to shave my head. I didn’t realize that there might be more…dire consequences.
I always have tissue beside my bed. As easy as it would be to believe that I keep tissue by my bed for villainous purposes, I assure you my intentions are pure. I wake up quite often unable to breathe. When this happens, I usually get a drink, blow my nose, and go back to sleep. Hence the tissue.
Also, as I previously mentioned, I use the tissue to spit my gum into. So last night, I spit out my gum into the tissue, and then, as I moved the tissue away, the gum must have rolled off onto my blanket. Either that, or I’m a sleepwalker with a serious candy fetish.
So I went into the bathroom, pulled down my boxers, and was barely able to suppress a shriek. See, what had happened, was, the gum…I don’t know, man. It somehow managed to seriously invade my private space. What it amounts to is that my boxers were temporarily attached to my bathing suit area. I unknowingly fixed that problem while preparing to urinate. It was not a fun way to wake up.
“How’d you sleep?” I asked my princess when she woke up.
“I got gum on the blanket.”
“You got what?”
“Gum. Chewing gum. I got it on the blanket. I’ll look on the internet after work and figure out how to get it out.”
She just looked at me. I don’t really blame her. She generally manages to deal with the fact that she’s married to a dipshit, but it’s gotta be tough to be reminded of it as soon as you wake up in the morning.
I should have just called my job and told them that I couldn’t come in because the world was already out to get me. Instead, I went in.
To describe my day would just be a bunch of bitching. But it never really got any better. A couple of highlights: I forgot my lunch, so I had nothing to eat. I was running two hours late on my delivery, and when I showed up to unload, it began dumping rain. I ended up having to stand in the pouring rain, unloading shit by hand, and there was apparently some chemical on me that reacted to the water and it began foaming. By the end of the delivery, I was soaking wet, sudsy, hot, and angry. I got stuck in traffic for about forty-five minutes, my clothes still dripping wet, and along with my lunch, I also forgot my mp3 player. The “Check Engine” light randomly turns on in my truck, as does the super-loud, super-annoying beeping that accompanies it. I got to listen to that for hours today.
It was just that kind of day. Long and batshit stupid. So I’m going to do now what I should have done when I first awoke this morning—I’m going to bed.
Oh, in case you’re wondering about how to get chewing gum out of a blanket: Hold an ice cube on it for a while, until it gets really cold. Remove the ice cube, grab an edge of the gum, and pull. The majority of it comes right off. If you’re wondering how to get it out of pubic hair: You do it just like if it was lice—you burn it out.