Pretty much my favorite thing about weekdays is The Charlie Hodge Halftime Show. I stumbled onto the show when I first started my job. There's no place to sit and eat lunch at work, so after eating out for a couple days and realizing that there was no way I could afford to do that every day, I decided to bring my lunch and sit in my car to eat it.
I was lucky enough to discover the Half Time Show after two days, and it quickly became the thing I looked forward to each day. I like the show so much that before my recent trip home, I downloaded about twenty hours of it, and painstakingly burned it onto a pile of CDs. What I didn't listen to on the 18-hour trip, I listened to later, while sitting in traffic on the way to and from work.
If you have a few minutes, you should definitely head on over to his page and listen to a couple of podcasts. And if you don't have a few minutes, you should cut something else out of your schedule so that you do have a few minutes. Look, anything you need to do right now will wait, right? The kid's still gonna be hungry, the laundry will still need to be done, that fire will still need to be put out.
So do yourself a favor and go listen to Charlie Hodge (with sidekick Matt Sadler). After you do that, come back here and read the rest of this post. Or read the rest of this post and then go listen to Charlie Hodge. I don't think the order is particularly import. Or maybe it is, because the majority of this post is going to be about Aaron Tippin Moments.
What's that you say? You don't know what an Aaron Tippin Moment is? Well join the club, my friend--the majority of the callers don't know, either, and I think it's going to end up pushing my radio hero over the edge.
And then what will I listen to while I eat my soggy-bunned hotdog or my mayo-moistured sandwich? Nothing, that's what. And when I listen to nothing, that's when I start hearing the voices. And that's when strippers start getting skinned.
I think you'll agree that we should take steps to make sure that doesn't happen. Which is why I've prepared the handy dandy Aaron Tippin Moment Test:
The Handy Dandy Aaron Tippin Moment Test
Aaron Tippin Moment--noun--A moment when an average citizen--normally under the influence of drugs or alcohol--decides to take a stand because of foolish pride. Inspired by the lyrics of country singer Aaron Tippin, "You've got to stand for something, or you'll fall for anything."
Instructions: Mark the proper selection to complete the Aaron Tippin Moment in each scenario.
1. You pull up to a Taco Bell at one in the morning. You order your food, but upon receiving the bag of delicious rectum-fire, you realize that you are short three tacos. You:
a. Go inside and explain the situation, resulting in an apology and your three tacos.
b. Pull around to the drive-thru squawk box and scream obscenities until you feel better about yourself.
c. Take a dump in your Taco Bell bag, light it on fire, and throw it against the front door.
2. While at the park grilling Spam and drinking Natural Light, a police officer shows up and says that there have been noise complaints. You:
a. Apologize to the officer and promise to keep the noise down.
b. Angrily gather your potted meat and your cheap beer, and force your pregnant wife to drive you across town to your cousin's, where the neighbors "know how to party."
c. Throw a beer can at the officer, scream as loud as you can that the people around here ain't better'n you, and spread your ass cheeks when the cop points the taser at you, screaming, "I dare ya, pig!"
3. At a wedding reception, you notice your girlfriend dancing with another man. You:
a. Understand that it's no big deal--you trust her, and you know that at the end of the night, you're the one she's going home with.
b. Yell at her that she's a dirty whore, refuse to be comforted or reasoned with, and finally pass out in the back seat of the car after being asked to leave the reception.
c. Sneak off to the closet with your second cousin who is known to have herpes, crabs, and hepatitis, in the hopes that you'll pass the STDs onto your woman, showing her what happens when she thinks she's better'n you.
4. You call into your favorite radio program only to be made fun of by the DJ. You:
a. Understand that it's his job to make people laugh, and it was nothing personal. You laugh it up and play the recording to your friends later.
b. Become personally offended and refuse to listen to him anymore.
c. Hide in the parking lot of the radio station until he leaves, follow him to his house, and throw rotten Walmart chicken at his windows while urinating in his mailbox.
5. You're sitting in a parking lot, counting the pennies in your ashtray to see if you have enough to buy a pack of Basic brand cigarettes. A woman pulls up next to you, and while unstrapping her child from the baby seat, accidentally dings your car door with hers. You:
a. Get out and inspect the damage, making sure there's no need to exchange insurance information.
b. Become angry, swear at her under your breath a little bit while rubbing the dent, and then calm down enough to exchange information.
c. Storm around to her car and kick her side view mirror off, screaming loud enough to make both her and her child cry.
6. At the end of the night, you get your bar tab and discover that it is much higher than you had expected. You:
a. Get the bar tender's attention and ask him to explain the charges.
b. Scream the eff word at every employee of the establishment, write "Screw Yourself" on the tip line, and storm out of the establishment, swearing that you'll never grace them with your presence again.
c. Go out to your car and get your gas can. Fill the toilet, as well as the three urinals with gasoline, and light it up, blowing up most of the men's room, as well as burning off 98% of your body hair.
7. It's Thanksgiving, and your grandmother is once again telling anyone who will listen that you need a haircut. You:
a. Ignore her--the fact that she's too old to understand the inherent beauty of a fine Florida mullet is her problem, not yours.
b. Bring up the fact that she poops her pants; pile as much food as you can on your Banquet paper plate, and go out to watch the game.
c. Punch her in the face. Take a weedwacker to her head while she's unconscious on the kitchen floor. How's that for a haircut, ya old bag?!
8. You wake up, hungover, stinking, and late for work. As you stumble to the bathroom, you step in a fresh pile of dog business. You:
a. Yell out that you're gonna send that dog to the pound if Junior don't get it housetrained by next week. Continue down the hall to the shower.
b. Yank Junior out of bed and make him shove the dog's nose in the pile of poop and then clean the carpet.
c. Grab the dog by the tail, march right into Junior's room, commence to beat him with said dog until the cops show up. Again. With tasers. Again.
9. You find out your wife just smoked your last cigarette. You:
a. Immediately regret the fact that you drank an entire 12-pack as soon as you got home from work. Walk the eight blocks to the convenience store for more smokes.
b. Call her a skank ho-bag, climb into your truck, and drive to the convenience store--hell, you ain't drunk, you just got a buzz-on.
c. Climb into your truck, drive it directly into your trailer house, and use the car lighter to burn your old lady until the cops show up.
10. While discussing sports, your neighbor informs you that you're wrong about the win-loss record of your favorite team. You:
a. Google the information, finding out the truth within .0012 seconds.
b. Call him an a-hole, demand he return the chainsaw that he borrowed last fall, and storm into your house.
c. Shoot him with a crossbow.
Answer Key: "A" is the answer of a reasonable human being, if a reasonable human being were to find himself in the aforementioned situations.
"B," although truly jerkhole, anti-social, and effed up, is not enough to qualify as an Aaron Tippin Moment. If unsure, ask yourself the question "Did someone take a stand?" If yes, ask the question, "Was it for something reasonable, or was it for foolish pride?" If it was for foolish pride, it's probably an ATM. Another indicator of a true Aaron Tippin Moment is whether or not the law was broken.
"C" is the Aaron Tippin Moment. If you answered C to any of the above questions and felt that it was a perfectly reasonable response, you should probably tell your family to take a life insurance policy out on your dumb ass. You aren't long for this world, chief, and when you take your final bow, you can rest assured that it will be with something flammable, and you'll more than likely end up on The Charlie Hodge Halftime Show.
So I hope that helps. If you would like to hear more about the Aaron Tippin Moment, I suggest you listen to this.