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First-Of-The-Month Quotes: Kinda Weird by Ray Printer Friendly

It was a strange month for First-Of-The-Month Quotes. When I first started writing down the bizarre things people said around me, it wasn't really a big deal. I mean, people would stop what they were saying and ask me what I was doing, but I'd generally soothe them with calming words like, "Nothin'," and they'd move on, forgetting about the entire scene.

Until they saw their words on the Quotes page at the beginning of the month. The thing about the FOTM Quotes is that this is real stuff that real people say. And while I'm used to being reminded of all the screwed up crap that comes out of my mouth, I guess it bothers some people. Or inspires them.

My point is, what used to be kind of a guerilla bit of writing has now turned into something else. Something known. You start writing, the person on the other end of the phone hears the silence, "That? You're writing that down? Come on, man, I've said better."

Or, "Hey, why aren't you writing that down?"

I'm not complaining. It's not a bad thing. It's just an organic transition, and this month, it hit a growth spurt. Meaning several people found out about it, while several others actively tried to keep from making this post as boring as the last couple of FOTM Quotes were.

Yeah, yeah, I'm getting to them. But first, I have to address two things.

1. To the guy in the bookstore: I didn't write down any of the things you said, so I forgot most of it, but what I remembered totally made the cut. Next time, you will be recorded.

2. To the guy who found out I was putting some of his quotes on this page and told a girl about it:

I told you I was going to make you into a ballerina. And you better still give her the link.

Okay. With that business out of the way, let's get to the quotes, shall we?

_______________


"I walked through that door, and I decided, 'I don't care what it takes, I don't care what I have to say, I'm making it onto the First-Of-The-Month Quotes.'"

.

"He's Lamar South: the whitest guy with the blackest name."

.

"So...lose my testicles or live with my mother. Tough call. Aren't they about the same thing?"

.

"Chicks look way better naked than they do with clothes."

.

"It's so soft. It feels like...babies reincarnated as paper. I just want to rub it on my face forever."

.

"I didn't like watching Martha Stuart, but there was a great Spam commercial that came on every time there was a break, so I didn't change the channel."

.

"Killing strippers is different from killing hookers. Hookers don't have souls."

.

"All-you-can-eat wings tonight, I'm gonna dominate that plate."

.

"Kids are only so stupid. You give 'em a trophy for coming in last place, they still know they came in last place. They still know they aren't getting laid."

"I thought we were talking about little kids."

"Little kids can tell if they're getting laid or not."

.

"Why didn't we get into the dead body disposal business?"

.

"I like Lex Luthor a lot."

"You guys would probably get along great."

.

"Ray needs First-Of-The-Month Quotes! I have to get drunk and help him!"

.

"I had a beer in one hand and a water in my other hand. Why would I do that? Why would anyone do that? People were probably laughing at me, 'Look at that guy, what's he doing, he's trying to be healthy and drunk.'"

.

"I kind of want to record everything now."

"Why?"

"Something great could be said."

"Maybe, but how would you know?"

"You get a team of Indians to go through and listen to it. And you don't let them fast-forward any of it, either, no matter how gross the sounds I make are."

.

"We both know it's women who ruined us."

.

"I spend a lot of my day alone, trapped with my thoughts, so sometimes I get a little freaked out. But let's be honest here--I probably deal with it a lot better than you guys would if you were stuck with a head full of my thoughts all day."

.

"I found a whiskey bottle under my truck."

"Where is it?"

"There was none left."

"Oh."

"Wait...so you'd drink whiskey from a bottle you found under my truck?"

"Depends on how much was left in it."

.

"I hope I didn't piss on my socks."

.

"I had my phone in my pocket, and I may have rubbed it the wrong way."

.

"Look, he can take a punch that knocks him through numerous buildings. The guy's desensitized. A regular chick tries to jack him off, he won't feel a thing. The only person who could give Superman a handjob is Superman."

"Maybe Wonder Woman, she's pretty tough. Or another person from his home planet. The thing is, the only other things from Krypton are his cousin and his dog."

"Are you saying Superman either has to fuck his dog or his cousin? Damn, that's hot."

.

"You're all, 'Hey Grammy, let's be friends on Facebook!'"

"No. I don't call her 'Grammy.'"

"What do you call her?"

"'Thug Life.'"

.

"Go to India to learn about your rap music!"

.

"The carcasses hanging in my bedroom tell me it's love."

.

"I got into a fistfight with the D.A.R.E. guy on the street..."

.

"You should cancel cable, get Netflix, and fuck that donkey."

_______________


So there you go. I feel like there were more, but the majority of them were written on Post-It notes, which are very lose-able. I'm sure they'll turn up at some point. Probably just in time to get me arrested.


Comments:
Entered By Jesse From Austin
2010-02-01 23:25:12

Everything is awesome today because of the Strangelands.



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