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Morning Movie Rant by Ray Printer Friendly

So I’m up early, not doing anything in particular…waiting, mostly. Batman Begins comes out on DVD today, as well as Land of the Dead. I will be buying both of these movies today, and then I will spend the rest of the day watching them. Over and over and over again. I haven’t actually seen Land of the Dead yet, but I generally buy zombie movies on general principle, and then what I like to do is watch them several times and then go to sleep. It’s like gymnastics for my brain, as the whole concept of zombies seriously freaks my shit out. Nothing like terrifying yourself and then going to sleep to really exercise the mind.

I’ve seen Batman Begins, of course. I can’t remember if I wrote a rant about it or not. I know I thought about it a whole lot, but I’m not sure I ever got around to it. Just in case I didn’t, this would have been the concept:

This movie is what every Batman movie should have been. If Tim Burton had any sense, after seeing this movie, he would take his freaky ass home, fill up his bathtub, and climb in while holding as many small appliances as he can plug in.

See, because Batman Begins is awesome, and all the other Batman movies sucked. Okay, the first one, Batman, was pretty good, but then it got all messed up by letting Prince do the music. Who made that decision, I wonder?

“So, yeah, we finally got the go-ahead to make this movie about one of the darkest heroes ever to grace the pages of a comic book. We’ve got Michael Keaton, with his crazy eyebrows and creepy voice, we’ve got Jack Nicholson, who probably would have actually been the Joker, if he hadn’t learned about acting. And Kim Basinger, she’s pretty hot—we’ll make her Vickie Vale.” [In my opinion, the only other role that seems as custom-made for that chick is when she played the trailer-trash mom in Eight Mile.]

“Sounds great, Bob, sounds really great. But who can we get to do the music? How can we get a soundtrack that will bring with it all of the grit, the hardenss, the street?

“Prince?”

“It’s like you read my mind, man!”

“Yeah, it’s like we don’t even need to talk anymore, we can just think to each other. Hey, do you think it’s safe to drink this much gasoline?”

“Yeah, I’m sure it’s fine.”

Every following movie just sucked more and more ass. Yeah, yeah, I know that Burton didn’t do all of them, but he did enough damage. In case you haven’t noticed, I like my comic books. In fact, if I gain another ten pounds, I’ll practically be the guy from The Simpsons. So when you have an eerie little weirdo like Tim Burton come along and commit a comic book blaspheme like Batman Returns, I take it personal. Go back to making your odd little animations about necrophiliacs, sicko.

And Joel Schumacher, don’t even get me started on that son of a bitch. I mean, come on, Joel, why not just take a big pile of comic books, shit all over them, and light them on fire in front of millions of fans? Because it would be better than the nonsense you contributed to the Batman franchise. There are not enough mean words in the world to adequately express my rage. I can’t believe they still let that asshole anywhere near a camera.

But the studio guys finally quit spending all of their time huffing lead-based paint, and realized that maybe they should make a good Batman movie. And it worked out really well, in my opinion. So I’m buying it today. As soon as Best Buy opens, as a matter of fact.


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