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Same fat time, same fat channel...
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Portly Boy
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by Ray
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| I couldn't remember if I'd ever had a gun against my head before. It seemed like I had, seemed like I'd had to, at one ... |
| January 09, 2010 |
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by Ray
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| This isn't a new Portly Boy story, so if that's what you were expecting, you're out of luck. This is a post telling you ... |
| June 07, 2009 |
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by Ray
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| "I need a favor."
"I told you," Mandy said, "There is no way I'm doing that."
I felt a familiar stirring in my crot... |
| May 13, 2009 |
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by Ray
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| March 25, 2009 |
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by Ray
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... |
| March 16, 2009 |
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by Ray
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| You may be wondering where me and my drunken sidekick have been. Unless, of course, you're a normal human being, with ... |
| February 03, 2009 |
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by Ray
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| Luckily, the Evil Judge was focused on the car as it rolled away—hard not to be a little mesmerized by it, actually, wi... |
| January 28, 2007 |
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by Ray
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| I look across the parking lot, and I can’t tell if Arnie’s alive or dead. Probably he’s alive, because I can’t imagine... |
| December 16, 2006 |
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by Ray
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| “What the hell is wrong with you?” The volume of the voice was much too high, and so was the tone of the voice. There... |
| September 24, 2006 |
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by Ray
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| “I can’t, man—there’s a reason they call it live feed. Because it’s live.”
“I don’t even know why I ke... |
| September 03, 2006 |
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by Ray
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| “My baby! My baby!” The cry was coming from the area where I had just been, from the area of the Escort and the BMW. ... |
| June 19, 2006 |
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by Ray
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| One thing I completely recommend if you’re about to die, is do something to take your mind off of it. Maybe a crosswor... |
| May 14, 2006 |
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by Ray
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| “Are you going to talk to me at all tonight?” Arnie asked. We were in the Portmobile, which meant that I didn’t reall... |
| March 26, 2006 |
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by Ray
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| I opened my eyes because there was someone talking near my head. Right in my ear, actually. As soon as I did it, I wi... |
| December 07, 2005 |
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by Ray
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| “Why don’t you morons just kill me?” I asked. It hurt like hell to talk, but whatever. These lunatics were up to no ... |
| November 12, 2005 |
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by Ray
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| “You take the good!”
“You take the bad!”
“You take them both and then you have! The facts of life!”
That first v... |
| October 15, 2005 |
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by Ray
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| “Are you kidding me?”
Arnie said something in reply, but I couldn’t hear him because of Mandy’s laughter. I tried to... |
| September 17, 2005 |
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by Ray
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| Eight in the morning, which is really just one of those fabled hours, as far as I’m concerned. For a second, I can’t e... |
| September 11, 2005 |
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by Ray
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| One thing I really hate about my life is how often I get knocked out. Like if you went to work every day, and you cons... |
| August 03, 2005 |
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by Ray
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| “I couldn’t help noticing you’re still sitting there on that couch,” Mandy said to me.
“I couldn’t help noticing that... |
| July 20, 2005 |
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by Ray
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| Usually, when I have a half-bottle of whiskey in my hand, what I’m doing is concentrating on making it an all-the-way e... |
| July 12, 2005 |
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by Ray
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| “I don’t think I’m very comfortable with all of this,” I said.
“Good,” Mandy told me. “It you were comfortable with ... |
| July 04, 2005 |
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by Ray
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| I refuse to believe that there’s anyone out there that isn’t afraid of a visit to the dentist, just as I refuse to beli... |
| June 27, 2005 |
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by Ray
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| I didn’t know what to expect when the elevator doors opened, but I sure wasn’t expecting some hippy sitting around nude... |
| June 16, 2005 |
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by Ray
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| You know those people who walk around spouting clichés, making nonsensical remarks that are supposed to make the world ... |
| June 04, 2005 |
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by Ray
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| “You don’t look as bad as you usually do after we spend a night drinking like graves are going out of style,” Arnie sai... |
| May 27, 2005 |
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by Ray
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| I could hear the things going on around me, I could feel the light trying to penetrate my eyelids, but I couldn’t move.... |
| May 18, 2005 |
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by Ray
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| I woke up slowly and painfully, not wanting to do it, but unable to keep it from happening. I do a kind of all-body ma... |
| May 09, 2005 |
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by Ray
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| I didn’t feel any heat—that was the weird part. Just a little shaking, and an odd little floating sensation. If you w... |
| May 06, 2005 |
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by Ray
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| “You know, this isn’t at all what I expected,” Arnie said.
Somebody like Arnie, you don’t even want to know what he w... |
| April 23, 2005 |
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by Ray
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| I woke up again, and was much more comfortable with it than I had been that morning. I had a headache, for one thing, ... |
| April 19, 2005 |
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by Ray
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| I woke up by myself, no drunk guy yelling, no phone ringing, no alarms going off. It’s a pretty nice way to wake up—if... |
| April 10, 2005 |
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by Ray
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| “Uuuhhh. What happened?” Arnie sat up all slow, rubbing his chin a little and looking around.
I had been trying to ... |
| March 27, 2005 |
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by Ray
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| “You gotta be kidding me,” I said. I’m standing there with a bag of athletic crotch-protection gear in one hand, and a... |
| March 23, 2005 |
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by Ray
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| I woke up, feeling like something had woken me up. I glanced at the clock and saw that it was only twelve-ten in the a... |
| March 22, 2005 |
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by Ray
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| One of the things I hate most about my talking car is that it never says anything good. It never says something like, ... |
| March 13, 2005 |
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by Ray
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| “So what’s the plan?” That was Arnie. It seems like he’s always asking me that, usually when there’s some major catas... |
| March 08, 2005 |
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by Ray
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| Life is a weird thing. I’m not talking about sex-with-puppet fetish websites or about those old ladies who are always ... |
| March 06, 2005 |
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by Ray
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| “What’s the plan?” That was Mandy.
“Yeah, man, what IS the plan?” That was Arnie.
The fact that these people were... |
| February 08, 2005 |
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by Ray
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| “What the hell is the matter with you?” That was Mandy, and she was screaming. At me. I was getting dressed up in my... |
| February 03, 2005 |
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by Ray
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| It was a pretty quiet night. I was cruising in the Portmobile, alone. It was a strange feeling, really. Usually, the... |
| January 26, 2005 |
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by Ray
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| “I am Seductress! And you will bend to my will!”
“Nice tits.” That was me, in case you were wondering. Yeah, crude... |
| January 16, 2005 |
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by Ray
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| “Come on, man. Just a few clips? I won’t even credit them to you.”
“Shut UP, Arnie!” That first voice, that was Ar... |
| January 11, 2005 |
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by Ray
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| You want to know what really bugs me? I’m sure you don’t, but I’ll tell you anyways. Actually, lots of stuff really b... |
| January 09, 2005 |
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by Ray
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| “Wake up!”
“No.” That second voice, that was me. That first voice, I didn’t know who the hell that was, but it sure... |
| December 14, 2004 |
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by Ray
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| “The Amazing Portly Boy then raced off into the night, Portly Song blaring. Back to you, Janet.”
“Thanks, Tom,” the ... |
| December 07, 2004 |
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by Ray
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| We sped through traffic. Manipulating traffic in this city never easy. Speeding through it is damn near impossible. ... |
| November 27, 2004 |
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by Ray
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| All right. Believe it or not, The Amazing Portly Boy does, on occasion, engage in…um, certain carnal activities. At p... |
| November 21, 2004 |
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by Ray
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| Arnie didn’t drink himself to death. If you’ve read the last installment, you’ll understand why I mention that right a... |
| November 15, 2004 |
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by Ray
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| I woke up feeling pretty good, which kind of freaked me out. Living a life such as mine, you can deal pretty well with... |
| November 14, 2004 |
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by Ray
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| “So…what’s on your mind?” That was Arnie. Arnie can’t stand silence. He can’t even stand remote silence. Like, you’... |
| November 07, 2004 |
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by Ray
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| I woke up and didn’t know where I was. This isn’t anything new to me, and although it startles my brain a little bit e... |
| November 07, 2004 |
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by Ray
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| “Have you ever been knocked unconscious by a pizza?” Questions like this, they shouldn’t come up in conversation. If ... |
| November 02, 2004 |
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by Ray
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| So there we are, about to die at the hands of Supa Gangsta. And I’m not kidding around, either. I know I give him a g... |
| October 26, 2004 |
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by Ray
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| I’m generally a pretty passive guy. This isn’t so much because I like being passive, it’s just that I’m one of the big... |
| October 26, 2004 |
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by Ray
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| It’s weird how television and the movies de-sensitize you. I mean, you see something in the movies, you think it looks... |
| October 26, 2004 |
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by Ray
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| You remember when you were a kid? Did you ever wake up late for school, like maybe your mom forgot to set her alarm or... |
| October 15, 2004 |
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by Ray
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| You can make a chicken pot pie in five minutes, toss it into the microwave and walk off, come back, dump it onto a paper... |
| October 12, 2004 |
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by Ray
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| Absinthe. Webster’s Dictionary defines it as…well, I don’t know how Webster’s defines it, if you want to know the truth... |
| October 12, 2004 |
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by Ray
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| “There’s a message on the machine.” That was my alcoholic friend Arnie, and he sounded kind of worri... |
| September 09, 2004 |
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by Ray
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| At first, I didn’t understand the pain. It was like someone was shoving a gun barrel into my forehead, just abov... |
| September 09, 2004 |
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by Ray
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| At first, I didn’t understand the pain. It was like someone was shoving a gun barrel into my temple, just in fro... |
| September 09, 2004 |
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by Ray
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| “Are you okay?” Did you ever notice that when somebody’s asking you if you’re okay, you genera... |
| September 09, 2004 |
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by Ray
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| You know that story about Hansel and Gretel? That part where they get caught by the witch and she’s like, “Now I’m goi... |
| August 15, 2004 |
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by Ray
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| It was all a big mistake, really. It was no Zippo that Jimmy Flicks had pulled out. If you’ve ever owned a... |
| August 15, 2004 |
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by Ray
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| Surrounded by rowdy strip-club bouncers, my drunken sidekick the Drunkard passing out booze to the lot of them, and I w... |
| August 06, 2004 |
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by Ray
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| “What you doin’, man?”
“Trying to read this,” I said. The loud drunk voice next to my head was... |
| August 06, 2004 |
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by Ray
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| Do you ever get that feeling that the whole world hates you? Like Life itself is out to get you? I mean, do you ever ... |
| June 05, 2004 |
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by Ray
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| “I got you a present.”
“Is it a new liver?” I’m sitting in Arnie’s living room, and I can’t decide if I want to thro... |
| June 02, 2004 |
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by Ray
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| The thing about victory is it just doesn’t last long enough. If you’re an overweight balding guy dressed up in floresc... |
| May 07, 2004 |
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by Ray
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| What happened was, I got busted for mooning some chick in a park, right? She turned out to be an evil judge, and becau... |
| May 02, 2004 |
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by Ray
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| You know the story about Bruce Wayne? I’ll run it down for you real quick, just in case you don’t. He’s just a kid, h... |
| April 24, 2004 |
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by Ray
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| “I think it’s exciting.”
“That’s why you’re an idiot.”
That first person, that was Arnie, internet porn king, alc... |
| April 17, 2004 |
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by Ray
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| After a night of drinking, a morning in jail, and a moment of terror, I was sentenced by a rather bitter judge to serve... |
| March 28, 2004 |
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by Ray
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| The sound of the gavel slamming down was as cold as a winter wind. No, it was colder than that. I mean, sure, winter ... |
| March 27, 2004 |
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